Regret
by Guardian-of-Darkness
Summary: Spike has some down time, and he begins to think about his most special person. (shounen-ai)


A/N ~ I am writing this for my own amusement and because I think there should really be more Cowboy Bebop Yaoi. If you don't like shounen-ai or slash, don't read this and don't flame me I will just laugh at you.  
  
Disclaimer ~ I do not own Cowboy Bebop, and I have no money what so every *holds up a little flag that says 'Don't Sue Me!'"  
  
Regret ~  
  
I didn't know how much I loved you until I had lost you, until you had slipped through my fingers like the money I never seemed to have.  
  
I'm normally not a really a person who tends to angst a lot, it just doesn't fit my character real well, but at times like then when Jet's off in the kitchen or talking to some police buddy trying to find a lead on our most resent bountyhead. And when Faye is out shopping, or gambling, and Ed and Ein are.. doing.. umm. whatever Ed and Ein do when they are left to their own devices. I really start to think about you, despite my own misgivings on the subject.  
  
I remember when we were just stupid teens picked off the streets and taken under the Syndicates wing.  
  
How we moved so quickly through the ranks with the help of our 'friends' and fighting prowess. There are only a few people I know that can stand up to me in a fight, I could probably count them all on one hand and still have enough fingers to do the victory sign.  
  
"Vicious," I murmur out loud, that's your name, and oh so aptly named. Vicious. yes you were that, everywhere all the time, in battle, diplomatic meetings. bed. Strong and quiet that's what you were, my dear friend.  
  
Now that I'm thinking about it, I miss you so badly. Whenever I am lucky enough to manage to forget you for a time, you pop up again out of nowhere.  
  
Like when you killed Mao, I really didn't like that Vicious it really hurt me. You killed our mentor and old friend; do ever keep your alliances anymore? He had faith in you, always did despite everyone else's misgivings, just as I did so long ago. It seems almost unreal that he's dead, I heard from Annie that he never actually thought I had died, and that you never did either.  
  
That feeling that I hadn't died even drove you to capture Faye, if her blundering into you trap could have even been called kidnapping. I really think that she's smarter than that but sometimes. she can just be really stupid.  
  
But then I had to go and save her, like a knight in shining armor. And she took the whole thing that way, I think she's begun to develop a crush on me, and if not, she already loves me.  
  
I wish I could return her affection, maybe forget about you. But what if, in the heat of sex I scream out Julia. or worse your name and not hers? That would be a very awkward situation. I still love you Vicious, it wouldn't be fair to poor 'Faye-faye' to lead her on like that.  
  
But what's a little affair; I'm still quite baffled about you and Gren.  
  
He seemed so very attached to you, and then you betray him. He loved you Vicious that was clear even to me, yet you betrayed him. You are a cold- hearted bastard you know that?  
  
You seem to have a knack for hurting those who love you. Did you ever love Gren? Did you ever love me? Now when I see you, I can feel an aura of hate around you, it troubles me that you have now given yourself over to its oppressive hold. But deep inside those cold snakelike eyes, I once glimpsed a trace of sadness, regret, I might just of been seeing things though.  
  
Did those nights spent together mean anything? Was it all an easy fuck? Was I just some toy to play around with whenever you so chose? All the times we were together, you on top, me on top, I liked that best I liked being inside you. Controlling you, having you helpless under me, and pleading, "please Spike, please."  
  
You were an angel back then, so graceful and beautiful. My blood covered angel, I loved you against me, skin on skin. I loved your taste, your smell unique to you, I loved your feel, and I wish I could have realized it all sooner. Damn you Vicious, somehow I loved you, and still do.  
  
Back then I never even realized it, I took our relationship for granted, never really thinking about it. You would always be there for me was all I thought, you in your nice suits and haughty attitude.  
  
But then we let Julia tear us apart; I will admit that I love her. But it was superficial compared to my fascination with you, I reflect now.  
  
However, later I became totally obsessed with Julia when I realized I was losing you, she was my last connection to you and in the end that connection destroyed us. She's my life now, and I hope that when I find her I will never find you. A trail of blood and heartbreak follow you wherever you go and still I can't help but care for you.  
  
If only I had realized everything sooner, I could have salvaged something of our doomed lives. I could of saved us all from treading the very path we walk now, a path of lies, hurt, and desire.  
  
Now here I am, sprawled out on an uncomfortable couch, thinking about past relationships. That's what it all is, maybe in the end I could break past your icy shield again and gain your love. If I met you one more time my bloody angel, I'd never again let you go.  
  
I think Ed suspects my relationship with you Vicious. She's very intuitive for a young girl her age. But Jet and Faye remain completely oblivious to my steadily growing obsessions with the two figures of my past.  
  
I hear Faye opening the door. She's complaining about something or another, she probably lost a lot of money at the casino, or the racetrack. She has no concept of saving money.  
  
I listen to he walk into the kitchen and immediately I hear Faye and Jet start fighting. I swear they act like an old married couple.  
  
This is what my life has been reduced to, a completely boring bounty hunter life, and celibate as well I might add, much to my disgust.  
  
Jet and Faye wander out into the living room still arguing with each other, and thus disrupting my chain of thoughts.  
  
I glare at them and say, "Can't a guy get some sleep around here without being woken up by you two squawking like chickens?"  
  
They simultaneously turn toward me and say, "shut up," in unison. how cute.  
  
I think Jet has a thing for Faye, but then again I could just be naïve. But, I don't want to think of another man like that. Vicious was and will always be the only man I will ever desire. Then again, I could just have this all wrong and Jet might not really be lusting after anyone too.  
  
By now Jet's set out dinner, bell peppers and 'beef' or so he claims. Personally I think he lies, there is nothing that resembles meat in this blob of peppers in front of me. Ed and Ein run to get their portion and I hear Faye groan about something that I don't really care about. But for once I don't comment on the lack of meat in the dish placed before me, my thoughts still dwelling on Julia, and Vicious my love.  
  
"Vicious," I murmur quietly again to my self.  
  
"Huh? Whad'ya say Spike?" Jet asks it seems he and Faye had paused in their argument for a second, both pairs of eyes fixed on me.  
  
"Nothing, nothing at all," I say simply.  
  
I sure got some odd looks for that, they say talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity. Maybe I am, you drove me there anyways Vicious.  
  
Off in the distance I hear Jet ask me if I'm alright and that I don't really look very well off, I make some snide comment or another and the rest of the 'crew' go back to eating their food.  
  
Oh Vicious, I sigh to myself; I wish I could see you just one more time. One more embrace, one more lingering kiss.  
  
Jet said at least once that I live my life purely on instinct. I think that he was right. Maybe. if I hadn't lived for the moment I could of held you longer, I could of cherished the moments we had together.  
  
So many ifs, so many regrets, so many futures that I could of lived.  
  
I love you Vicious, and if I am graced with gazing upon you, my angel, once again, I will never let you go, never again.  
  
You will be mine for Eternity or I will die trying to make you that.  
  
But wouldn't it just all be easier to find Julia, and forget about all this? My heart tells me no, I have spent to long thinking about the different levels of love, lust, and desire. I know now that things can never go back to the way they were before. I just want to live a simple life, away from you, away from this madding obsession that has now taken over me. There are so few truths in my life anymore; one is that I will be safe with Julia and the other..  
  
I love you Vicious, my one and only.  
  
~~**~~ 


End file.
